I figured out what this article is like. This is like an college entry essay by high student who has been asked to write about what difficulties he has overcome to achieve his goals and go to college. Having been brought up in the most average environments, the student proceeds to describe the mundane details of his life, but stretch the truth and write about them with such horror as to make it seem like he has weathered unbelievable tragedy. “One year, I was forced to wear the same winter coat as the year before! One day my mom made me shovel snow and my fingers got very, very cold… wait, no… I think I got frostbite!” And everyone on the admissions committee who has been raised in similarly average circumstances will roll their eyes, while those who were brought up by fancy au peres and graduated from prep schools will be like “Oh my god, I had no idea it was that bad for the middle class!”

Now, most of the time, the kid writing the essay knows he’s bs-ing, and might even take a little pride in that. But the great thing about Stephen Bloom is he actually believes he is shedding a light on difficult truths.

I know it’s cliched for people from midwestern states to compare themselves favorably to their neighboring states, but seriously, would Mr. Bloom rather the caucuses were held in Missouri? It’s not a myth that the curious wealth of hospitable strangers in Minnesota, Wisconsin and Iowa kind of vanishes once you enter Waffle House territory. The farms don’t even look as nice down there. Or would Bloom rather have the caucus on a coast, say in New York? Have you been to Long Island? There are a lot of dummies on Long Island! They’re the ones who trampled over that lady at Wal-Mart on Black Friday a few years ago! Lots of dumb people in Manhattan too! And California? Have you been outside of LA or SF? Those are the people that made Prop 8 happen! California breeds WAY scarier fundamentalist assholes than Iowa does, trust. And the liberals can be pretty insufferable too if you’re stuck behind them in line at the Coffee Bean.

Maybe because you’ve been spending the last 20 years in the (pig) shit, you forgot how many dumb crazies live in your precious Golden State. Or how many dumb crazies are in this country, period. So just go down to Hamburg Inn, eat a pie shake and thank G-d you live in one of the coolest, prettiest towns west of the Mississippi.